Be Transformed Essay
“What lesson changed or impacted you the most?”
It actually took me a few minutes to answer this question. At first, I thought it might be one of the lessons on emotions, but those didn’t really change me—they just gave me some clarity and reassurance that I was already moving in the right direction. Then I thought back to the longest and hardest cry session I’ve ever had with God, and that brought me to lesson four: “Getting to Know Our Heavenly Father.”
That lesson was tough. During that week, I had to finally be honest—with myself and with God—about how alone and abandoned I felt by Him. It wasn’t until I started doing the homework that I really stopped to think about how I felt about God, not just what I knew about Him.
Growing up in a Christian household, I memorized verses, sang worship songs, went to Bible studies, and even took Bible classes. A lot of people who know me would probably say I have a deep understanding of Scripture. But that’s all it really was—knowledge and understanding. For months, I wasn’t struggling with what I knew; I was struggling with what I felt. I knew God was real, but I didn’t feel like He was there.
In my family, feelings didn’t really matter unless they were causing problems. I learned pretty early on to keep them to myself, to stay quiet and keep the peace. So when lesson four started asking questions about my emotional perception of God—how I felt about Him—I froze. I just stared at the page thinking, Why does this matter? My feelings are misleading. Why should I trust them? But “ignore them” wasn’t one of the answers on the worksheet.
So, question after question, I forced myself to slow down and answer honestly. By question five on day one, I was crying. My answers showed me something I didn’t want to see: emotionally, I had a pretty awful view of God. Somehow, the God I knew was loving, merciful, and always near had turned into someone who felt inconsiderate, unloving, and distant. It hurt to admit that. If someone had asked me straight up, “Is God inconsiderate?” I would’ve immediately said no and given the perfect Bible answer about His love and faithfulness. But if they had asked, “Do you think God cares about your feelings or lets you do what you want sometimes?” my honest answer would’ve been no. That’s when I saw just how far apart my head and my heart really were. And honestly, I felt so ashamed. How could someone who knew all the right answers have such a broken view of God?
Lesson four forced me to face something I’d been avoiding: my emotions have a much bigger influence on my life than I thought. By bottling them up, I had shut myself off from really experiencing God’s love. I had damaged something beautiful He gave me—the ability to feel deeply, to love, and to smile. God didn’t give us emotions to make life harder; He gave them to help us experience His love and share it with others. My feelings were never meant to be buried; they were meant to be understood—even if that means looking up and saying, “God, I don’t like this right now, and I’m not happy You’re letting it happen.”
I’m still learning how to see God through a healthier emotional lens. But the first step—being honest about what I actually feel—is done. Now it’s just about taking the next one, whatever that looks like. I know that someday, I’ll know my Heavenly Father for who He truly is, and when that day comes, I’ll be able to enter His courts with real thanksgiving and praise.